


Best First Order General

by Cruxiius



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Gen, Poetry, Song Parody, arguably Modern Major General
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-01
Updated: 2016-08-01
Packaged: 2018-07-28 15:20:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 369
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7646389
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cruxiius/pseuds/Cruxiius
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alternatively titled, “General Hux responds to an interview in vaguely iambic octameter”. References abound.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Best First Order General

In every way, I surely am the best First Order General,  
I will ensure Resistance struggles are, at most, ephemeral,  
Arkanis-born and sent to the Imperial Academy,  
I grew up certain of my fate to someday rule the galaxy.  
I never did look back when I first left that rainy aerodrome,  
Resurgent-class Destroyers make for charming homes-away-from-home,  
Ice and snow and void of space can be as frigid as they will,  
My greatcoat and black leather gloves reliably ward off the chill.

Technology and terror led me to a new supremacy,  
My confidence in soldiers and exceeding all expectancy,  
I will ensure Resistance struggles are, at most, ephemeral,  
Because I am in every way the best First Order General.

Leader Snoke acknowledges my militant tenacity;  
My methods and my interests are unshrouded by opacity.  
I lecture Kylo Ren if he demolishes my datapad,  
Mitaka sometimes irks me, though he’s twice as useful, which is sad.  
I think of Captain Phasma as a leader we should not replace,  
Although her troops insist on marching in my private pacing space.  
Regardless of how rumors like “Hux has a cat?” are running rife,  
There is no one with clearance to inquire of my private life. 

My men are all exceptionally trained and programmed right from birth,  
They’re obligated, duty-bound, to pull their weight and prove their worth.  
I will ensure Resistance struggles are, at most, ephemeral,  
Because I am in every way the best First Order General.

My morning routine duties would make lesser men break down in tears:  
Two cups of caf - no sugar please - and paperwork up to my ears.  
The nighttimes aren’t much better, as for me sleep is a luxury;  
My pride lies in decisions made: precise, concise, and orderly.  
(Use ventral cannons if and when the turbolasers get knocked out.)  
I have no patience and no use for any personnel’s mock doubt.  
A leader must pursue their goals with firm, unyielding clarity;  
This war requires sacrifice, I say this with sincerity.

I won’t have any questioning of merciless authority,  
A little bit of order may necessitate enormity.  
I will ensure Resistance struggles are, at most, ephemeral,  
Because I am in every way the best First Order General.

**Author's Note:**

> The speaker might be sarcastic in certain points in the poem. Depends on how you interpret it. I just tried to find words that fit together.
> 
> Readers, please enjoy as a poem that likes the number eight, or to the tune of Gilbert and Sullivan's “Modern Major-General's Song"/"I Am the Very Model of a Modern Major-General” (or Tom Lehrer's "The Elements", or xkcd/Randall Munroe’s "Every Major’s Terrible"). "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious" also works if you want to put a tune to it. 
> 
> I have no idea if there’s much of an audience for this. I suppose all that can be said now is that that there was a small creative void on the internet, and now it is a little less empty.
> 
> Apologies if the song gets stuck in your head. It certainly is stuck in mine.


End file.
